Tag Archives: Juokai

Kačiukai ir tirpstančios kojos…

5 Vas

Mano kačiukai visada reiklūs. Aš sėdžiu prie kompiuterio ir ant kėdės rytietišku papročiu sukėliau kojas, o kačiukai niekaip nesutaria, kas turi sėdėti man ant kelių 🙂

Galiausiai sugulė abu. O man žavingai nutirpo kojos jau po kelių minučių. Tačiau negaliu jų numesti, kai abu meiliom akelėm žvelgia į mane ir sako “mums čia patinka, leisk pasilikti“. Palinkčiojau ir leidau…

 

Reklama

Princas ant balto žirgo?

5 Lap

Šita dainelė visom mergaitėms, kurios laukia savo princo ant balto žirgo 🙂 Dainelė, kurią jis skyrė savo žmonai. Tikrai jo žmona super, nes po tokio repertuaro jam neužvožė su kočėlu per galvą.

Tim Minchin: If I Didn’t Have You

Taip pat Tim Minchin nuostabi šizofreninė poema apie pyktį. Poema vadinasi pyktis, o skliausteliuose kojos.

Terry Bisson: “They’re Made out of Meat“

29 Spa

“They’re made out of meat.“

“Meat?“

“Meat. They’re made out of meat.“

“Meat?“

“There’s no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They’re completely meat.“

“That’s impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?“

“They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don’t come from them. The signals come from machines.“

“So who made the machines? That’s who we want to contact.“

“They made the machines. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Meat made the machines.“

“That’s ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You’re asking me to believe in sentient meat.“

“I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they’re made out of meat.“

“Maybe they’re like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage.“

“Nope. They’re born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn’t take long. Do you have any idea what’s the life span of meat?“

“Spare me. Okay, maybe they’re only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside.“

“Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They’re meat all the way through.“

“No brain?“

“Oh, there’s a brain all right. It’s just that the brain is made out of meat! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.“

“So … what does the thinking?“

“You’re not understanding, are you? You’re refusing to deal with what I’m telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat.“

“Thinking meat! You’re asking me to believe in thinking meat!“

“Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?“

“Omigod. You’re serious then. They’re made out of meat.“

“Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they’ve been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years.“

“Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?“

“First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual.“

“We’re supposed to talk to meat.“

“That’s the idea. That’s the message they’re sending out by radio. ‘Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.’ That sort of thing.“

“They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?“

“Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat.“

“I thought you just told me they used radio.“

“They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat.“

“Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?“

“Officially or unofficially?“

“Both.“

“Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing.“

“I was hoping you would say that.“

“It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?“

“I agree one hundred percent. What’s there to say? ‘Hello, meat. How’s it going?’ But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?“

“Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can’t live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact.“

“So we just pretend there’s no one home in the Universe.“

“That’s it.“

“Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You’re sure they won’t remember?“

“They’ll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we’re just a dream to them.“

“A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat’s dream.“

“And we marked the entire sector unoccupied.“

“Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?“

“Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again.“

“They always come around.“

“And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone …“

the end

Fish Eyes – Feeding of the 5000

13 Spa

Shinigami Woman’s Association

3 Rgp

Shinigami Woman’s Association

Neretai draugai duoda nemenkų patarimų, kaip rasti ką nors gero. Čia kelios video iš Bleach, kurios mano nuomone itin juokingos.

Horoscope for the Workplace

6 Geg

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree,“ you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with “customers“ so you can “concentrate on the big picture.“ You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest “ergodynamic“ gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel“…

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/“TEAM LEADS“: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers,“ as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager.“

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Senior Managers,“ as everyone in your social circle is a “Senior Manager.“

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.“ Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

So you want the day off? Let’s take a look at what you are asking for….

6 Geg

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be Damned if you’re going to take that day off!!!

Actual Federal Employee Evaluation Quotes

6 Geg
  • Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
  • His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
  • I would not allow this employee to breed.
  • This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won’t be.
  • Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
  • When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
  • He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
  • This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
  • She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better.
  • This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  • Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
  • A room temperature IQ.
  • Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
  • A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
  • A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
  • A prime candidate for natural deselection.
  • Bright as Alaska in December.
  • One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
  • Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
  • Fell out of the family tree.
  • Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.
  • Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
  • He is so dense, light bends around him.
  • If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
  • If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
  • If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.
  • If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  • It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
  • One neuron short of a synapse.
  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
  • Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program.
  • Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
  • Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.